2015 was definitely a roller coaster of a year. In the past twelve months, I found myself at the highest peak of confidence, achievement and self-love and also at the lowest of lows.
You'd think that'd be impossible right? I mean, you'd think that once you've experienced yourself at your best all around you'd learned how to keep yourself there because it's so amazing. But that's not how it went for me. Not at all.
It was a year full of many pivotal moments. Most new to me. And others familiar, but hard to overcome.
As I reflect on it all, lack of acceptance and the need to control the outcome of certain situations caused almost all of the pain that I endured this past year. It's kind of crazy to think about everything I experienced in 2015. But I have no regret, nor do I have resentment, because I learned a plethora of lessons.
I had everything going for me in the beginning of the year. My braces were taken off (this was huge for me)! The charity event I had always dreamt of creating since I was little came to fruition with the help of many individuals and businesses in my community (which was amazing). I fell in love with a beautiful someone who fell in love with me and over the course of the year became one of the most special human beings in my life. During spring break I spontaneously drove to the Grand Canyon with this special someone and was awed by its vastness for the first time (even flew over it in a helicopter)! Soon as I got back I enjoyed a trip to Mexico with some of my closest friends. I graduated and attained my bachelor's degree, receiving special recognition in the ceremony as a significant student who made an impact in my university.
It was all humbling and incredible.
But post-grad awkwardness and depression kicked in. Didn't think it was a real thing but it is. On top of that I got kidney stones and suffered through that over the summer. My lease ended and the couch in my moms living room suddenly became my new space for the next six months (the lease to my new place actually just began yesterday, yay!). I was unemployed (hence, broke), homeless (what it felt like), witnessed someone falling out of love with me and everything else started to fall apart.
Not having my own place, not having the security of school and all the things I had going on at the time, not having my good health and not being able to go to the gym, not having my own income... all of this took its toll on me. It unfortunately got the best of me. My aura wasn't as radiant anymore, my self confidence plummeted and I just wasn't myself. It negatively affected the new relationship I was creating with my lover and ultimately ended it. It affected the wave of opportunities that naturally came my way when I was on top of things. It affected a string of friendships and family members. It was horrible.
Everything just wasn't going my way. I took it out on loved ones. No longer was I my grateful, free-spirited, happy self. I lost myself.
Lots of patience, journaling, a job on my hands and (sadly) a break-up later... I started experiencing the come up. The reestablishment of self and surroundings.
I had to let go of many things to find myself. Many relationships were no longer healthy and I needed to replenish. I was alone for a bit and delved into books.
Towards the end of the year, things were still tough. But by this time it was more so my break-up more than anything that was getting to me. Everything was (slowly but surely) coming together: I found roommates and a new home to move into the start of the new year, I finally had my job and my steady income, but most importantly I found myself again.
It was... such a breath of fresh air. Feeling like my awesome, pretty spirited self.
I am not going to lie. I made so many mistakes in 2015. It was kind of ugly. And I'm glad it's over with! Even feeling just "okay" felt so good because darkness had accompanied me for so long.
That's the thing though. Once again did the littlest things make me so happy.
Being able to buy my own groceries, even if it was just a dozen eggs and almond milk, made me feel like I was such a success! Like that one scene in Step Brothers when Brennan (Will Ferrell) walks out of Costco feeling like a million bucks after being able to get himself some toilet paper, ha!
I couldn't have overcome it without a few things (well, I could have but it would have taken much, much longer to heal): "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz, my best friend Kayla, my family, the Vance Joy station on Pandora, and a change of mindset.
The mindset of accepting things the way they are and not imposing my idea of the way things "should" be.
I'm really content with the way 2015 ended because I was able to welcome the new year with a fresh perspective on life. I am so, so grateful that it all came together just in time.
Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of centering to do. A lot of self discovery to be made, love to be given and strength to be built but I am here. I am alive. I can breathe deeply and fully.
I am blooming once again. And it's still Winter.